4 Pitfalls of Supervising Friends and Family and How to Overcome Them

Supervising friends and family has the potential to be one of the most productive work relationships that exists in the workplace. Sadly, this is not always the case. Whether supervising a long time friend, managing a family member, or being promoted to supervising your peers, it is critical that all new managers learn to overcome these four pitfalls.

Poor Performance. One of the most amazing dynamics when supervising friends is that they often will take you for granted, assuming that you will accept their poor performance because of your relationship. In fact, it often occurs that when the new manager is a friend, the employee begins to lessen their own standards of performance. Whether this is done intentionally or not, you must address it.. The greater problem is in the response you receive when poor performance is addressed. Often, new managers feel that their requests are ignored by friends they supervise. If this is a new supervisory relationship it is absolutely critical that you have a meeting in which you clearly lay out the expectations in this relationship. They need to know that for their sake (so other’s won’t gossip about them) and for your sake (so your team will not lose respect for you and your authority) that you must treat them the same as every other member of your team, and that the performance standards as well as the disciplinary standards will remain consistent. If you’ve already begun to experience this, you must confront the problem directly. You can have an informal discussion about it at first, but if that does not change the situation, then you must address this in a serious manner. Follow your company’s procedure for handling performance issues. Make sure that you clearly communicate that these are not just requests, they are directions given by their supervisor. Remember, everyone else is watching you.

Voicing Your Own Negative Feelings About the Organization or Your Supervisor. Whether you are at work, a company function or hanging out at friend’s house, when you become a supervisor, there is a part of you that is always ‘on’. This means that there are now subjects you don’t get into, and boundaries you don’t cross. Even though you may have a legitimate issue with the organization, or your supervisor, never express them to the people you manage. First, it can negatively affect them as employees, especially if they have similar concerns, and cause severe future consequences. Second, it puts them in a very uncomfortable position, if they don’t agree with all of your concerns. Third, it creates an environment that causes employees to vent and voice negative feelings even when you’re not around, and sometimes about you. Fourth, it could very easily get to the wrong person and now affect your reputation. The key to this is you must find a new sounding board, someone who is at arms distance away from your job. Ideally this is someone who doesn’t work with you and doesn’t have any type of relationship with any one from your job, like a neighbor or a relative. In some instances it can be a co-worker in another department or a mentor, but use caution when that’s the case. The two of you need to agree that he or she should function as a “dead end” (some you can tell delicate information to and it ends with them). Thus when you voice your feelings, there is no chance of it getting to the wrong person or negatively affecting someone involved in the organization.


Manipulation. Of all the pitfalls that must be overcome, manipulation is often the most challenging. Manipulation occurs when the other person leverages their friendship against you to get what they want. First, do not let this affect you emotionally. Do not be fooled. This is rarely just a normal conversation that leaves you feeling guilty. This is almost always being done to you intentionally. More importantly, it is also a sign of disrespect. This person believes that you are weak and will succumb to emotional terrorism. Second, address this as early as possible. The more it occurs, the more it becomes a pattern. This also keeps you from building resentment. Third, don’t beat around the bush. Subtlety is not effective in this situation. If you feel someone is leveraging your friendship against you, address it head on. One of the most common phrases new managers hear as they are being manipulated is, “I thought we were friends!” a great response to this is, “In reality, if we were the friends I thought we were, you wouldn’t put me in this situation in the first place.” This helps to express that true friendship is not one sided and should not be used for the purpose of manipulation.

Favoritism or Perceptions of Favoritism. You should expect to be accused of favoritism when you manage a friend. Avoiding the previous four pitfalls, will help to minimize any legitimate complaints a worker could have regarding favoritism. But in reality, even when you do your absolute best to make certain that all associates are treated based on their work, you must realize that not every accusation of favoritism is accurate. Many people don’t take responsibility for their own performance. When was the last time you heard someone say, “I didn’t get that promotion because I wasn’t qualified?” Most would rather find someone else to blame or misapply a statement like “It’s not what you know but who you know.” Don’t let it get to you. This is just a combination of blame shifting and manipulation. Address the issue by letting the other members of the team know that there is no favoritism here and that every one is being held to the same standard.

Although these techniques may seem simple it doesn’t mean they are easy, but when you overcome the emotional challenge of the friend-supervisor dynamic, success is assured.

5 Phrases You Never Say to an Angry Person at Work (Or Anywhere Else)

Conflict at work has always been a problem, but with the recently added stresses of the national recession and the mortgage crises the problem is sky-rocketing. In fact, the Center for Disease Control has classified workplace violence as a national epidemic.

Whether you are concerned about violence in the workplace, want to help reduce tension and improve morale at work or just don’t want to be part of the problem, learning to avoid these 5 phrases when people are angry can help resolve problems before they escalate.

Phrase 1 “Calm Down”

We’ve all said it, someone is angry, or upset, they’re in a heightened emotional state and before we can even think about, the words just naturally slide out: “Calm Down!” As natural as this phrase may seem when dealing with an employee (or anyone) who is upset and emotional, it is not, I repeat, is not an appropriate phrase for helping the individual to calm down. Why? Has it ever worked? Of course not, in fact it seems to have the opposite effect, instead of calming down they often become more upset. This happens because the phrase calm down, insinuates that the person has no real legitimate reason to be upset or emotional. Now they spend more time defending their reason for being upset in the first place which just amplifies their frustration or anger. Instead try phrases like “I see you’re upset, is there anything I can do to help”. Remember, conflicts are never resolved when the person is still upset.

Phrase 2 “What Do You Want Me To Do About It?”

First, this is one of the biggest cop outs there is. It immediately says, “I’m not going to help you” and “it’s not my problem.” But there is another part to this; it communicates “I don’t care” or even worse, you’re being unreasonable in expecting me to help you. That’s a huge problem, especially if it is something that was your responsibility. It immediately discredits you both as a responsible person and as an ally. Instead, try phrases like “How can I help?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Help them solve the problem and if you are in any way to blame for what happened, apologize. Just don’t sound like a telephone customer service rep “I’m sorry for any inconvenience that this may have caused you….”

Phrase 3 “Grow Up!” or “Be Rational”

“Grow up” and “Be rational” have the same effect as saying “Stop acting so childish” and “You’re an idiot” (regardless of whether you think its true or not, it will do nothing to help resolve the matter at hand). This is like an invitation for more conflict. You must remember that at that moment, the person feels justified in his or her response and calling them childish will just inflame the situation even more. Plus, what’s the chance of this person responding by saying, “I know, I’m acting like a complete moron but I was wronged!” Instead, try saying (in a concerned voice) “Are you OK, is there anything I can do to help?” or “What’s wrong”. These phrases will help pacify the person’s emotions allowing them to settle down.

Phrase 4 “What’s Your Problem?”

This phrase, usually accompanied with an offensive tone, a facial expression that screams “disdain” towards the other person, and an emphasis on the word your, immediately sets up a “me vs. you” dynamic instead of the mutual concern/”we’re in this together” feel needed to calm the individual. The other problem is that this phrase points to the person as the source of what ever is wrong which almost always leads to that person feeling the need to defend his or her self. Instead try using “What’s wrong” or “What’s the matter?” These phrases communicate empathy and concern and will help the person begin to deal with the problem without provoking them. Just be careful not to get pulled into their frustration with them.

Phrase 5 “But”

For the love of all that is good, don’t follow any of the above mentioned phrases with “but”. “But negates the previous statement, causing people to both disregard the previous statement and to interpret whatever is coming next as negative. Substituting “and” for “but” will make you much more effective.

If you can learn to use these phrases while looking people in the eyes with a calm expression and a disarming tone AND you can keep your “but” out of harms way, you can effectively cool people down when things get hot.

Why Aren't Workers More Motivated?

One of the most asked questions I receive from business owners and managers is “What are some things I can do to motivate my people?” This conversation takes on many forms but usually starts off with the idea that it is so hard to find good talent. The questions I hear are “Why is it so hard to find ‘self starters’ anymore?” or “How do you motivate the younger generation?” Sometimes it’s “the people we are hiring are of (whatever) education level, and we don’t know how to motivate them.” But you know what I never hear from people? “Is there anything that I’m doing or that we’ve built into our companies culture that keeps people from being motivated?” The truth of the matter is that for many companies and managers there are things they are doing that are keeping their workers from being motivated in the first place. Here are five things that keep employees from being motivated.

Not Knowing How to Properly Perform Their Job

Anyone who has been part of the interviewing process has eventually come to this realization. People don’t look like their resumes. Yes, I said it. People aren’t as qualified as they seem on their resumes. Where should the blame fall in this competitive job market where resumes are examined under a microscope? It doesn’t matter. The problem is we hire these people thinking they have certain skill-set and a certain level of experience. Then, after they are hired they are treading water trying to figure out how to survive. And for most, their companies do not have an adequate training curriculum for new employees to really learn their jobs. So what do these new employees do? They “fake it till they make it”. And all the while, performance is suffering.

Poor Performance Is Tolerated In Other Employees

Regardless of whether we believe it to be right or wrong, people are dramatically affected by how other employees are treated and by the expectations placed on them. If there are a few employees who have bad attitudes, or perform at a lower level and it is tolerated, it is very difficult for the other employees (who see this going on) to accept being called to a higher expectation. They may assume that the boss doesn’t know, or more likely, they will assume the boss is playing favorites, and it kills both morale and motivation. Honestly, I see this one all of the time and it frustrates me every time. I hear all sorts of reasons why it’s not addressed in some employee. But regardless of the reason given, performance will eventually fall. If enthusiasm is contagious, so is lethargy.

They Don’t Know They Are Not Doing A Good Job

In today’s workforce, there is often a great lack of feedback given to those whose performance is lacking. Whether it is because the manager is busy or just a conflict avoider, many workers today receive no feedback when they complete a task or when their performance falls below expectations. When there is no feedback, there is no reason to change performance.


They Feel They Are Underpaid

It’s amazing that with the seemingly endless resources online in which one can look up salary information that more employers don’t know what the average salary is for a position. I guarantee that the employees working do and if they feel they are being underpaid, there is going to be a problem. If employees feel underpaid, it’s very unlikely they are giving 100%. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that overpaying will motivate someone to do more (pro sports should teach us that), but underpaying is a sure way to keep people from being fully motivated if they stay in the first place.

They Get No Recognition For A Job Well Done

Doing your best and nobody saying anything is almost as good as a slap in the face. Yet it is one of the most common problems I see in the workforce today. There is nothing like someone giving their all, going above and beyond the call of duty, and then no one saying, “good job”, “we appreciate your effort”. Adding insult to injury is when the boss says, “Why would I thank them to do what I already pay them to do?” With that going on, what is the likelihood of them going above and beyond again? The only possible reward is when they get demoted to an exempt position (I’ll talk about that in another article).

5 Behaviors of Bad Bosses

Bad Bosses are everywhere and we’ve all had them. They come in all shapes and sizes, but there are five things that I’ve consistently seen that are tell tale behaviors of bad bosses. These 5 are ones which consistently produce the most negative feedback from their subordinants.

Playing Favorites

I’ve yet to meet a manager or executive who admits to or even believes they are playing favorites. It’s like bad breath. Everyone know it’s there except the person who has the problem. Managers justify it by saying they are “raising them up” or that they are “team players”, but the real question is: Are they being treated based on their performance or based on how they make the boss feel? I was in a company with so many “yes” men and women that I thought sucking up was part of the job description. It wasn’t, but maybe it should have been. It seems that the old adage is often true: ‘It’s not what you know it’s who you know.’

Being a Control Freak

There are many great benefits to micromanaging. It can be used to train both new employees and employees learning new tasks. It can also be used to help those who have had performance issues. But when bosses micromanage trained, competent employees it communicates, “I don’t trust you,” and “I’m the only one here smart enough to do it.” It is especially destructive when it is followed up with temper tantrums or threats or belittling comments. And then they wonder why no one ‘takes initiative’.

Stealing Credit

Stealing credit is one of the most damaging of all bad boss behaviors. Stealing credit goes beyond not recognizing someone for a job well done. This is far worse. This is taking the results of someone else’s ideas, performance and hard work and claiming it as your own. It is like identity theft for people in the workplace.


Throwing Temper Tantrums

Temper Tantrums are also incredibly dangerous in the workplace. They intimidate and manipulate people with the belief that somehow this added fear will increase productivity and or respect. In reality, it causes people to lose respect for the angry boss and in many cases can lead to confrontation in the future. Who came up with the idea that anger was a management tool anyway?

Talking Down to Employees

Talking down to or belittling employees is a cousin to throwing temper tantrums. The constant need to remind people that the boss is the boss and that the employees are little more than indentured servants does little to boost morale or productivity. Telling employees they are lazy or idiots or whatever, with the hopes that it will help them to ‘get it’ is more destructive than productive and communicates “you’re here because I pay you and you have no value beyond that.” And they wonder why they hear employees say “I don’t get paid enough to do that?”

Over the next few weeks, I willl begin discussing how to avoid these poor behaviors as well as others when in a leadership role. I will also talk about a number of good, positive behaviors that are essential to effective leadership.

I know this isn’t an all encompassing list. I’d love your comments and feedback.

http://www.tonychatman.com/

Why I Hate My Job - Introduction

Why I hate my job blog –

On August 19th, 1986, Patrick Sherrill walked into a meeting with his two supervisors for a counseling session. What exactly transpired during that meeting is still unclear, but it is certain as is his performance record that this was a meeting about Sherrill’s job performance and the possibility of termination was discussed. Sherrill went home that evening filled with all types of emotions. What transpired the next day has made an indelible mark on American history. Patrick Sherrill came to work the next morning, walked up to one of the supervisors who had conducted the meeting, pulled out two .45 caliber handguns and fatally shot one of the two supervisors who conducted the counseling session. Within the next 15 minutes, Sherrill shot over 50 rounds killing 14 coworkers before fatally shooting himself. What happened that day at the Edmond Post Office would later be used to coin the phrase “going postal” (although statistically workers at the post office are no more likely to be violent than any other place of employment).

Workplace aggression and violence are on the rise. Statistically, we are most likely to get into a violent confrontation at work (more so than jogging alone at night). Over the past year, I traveled extensively throughout the country (including some international travel as well) training managers from various companies on leadership skills. During that time I came to a startling realization. It’s not surprising that workplace violence is on the rise. What is surprising is that more people aren’t going postal!

The more people I talk to (whether on the road in seminars and workshops, at church or the gym) the more horror stories I hear about people and their jobs. Most surveys will tell you that employee satisfaction is down. I believe that is a huge understatement. Many people hate their job. They work all day. They are underappreciated, disrespected, ignored and often undervalued. And then companies wonder how to motivate their employees and reduce turnover.

Because of all of this, I am going to use this blog as a way to teach managers how to properly lead their employees. Each post, I will talk about some of the things that both bad and even good managers do that hinder them from being more effective. This blog will also be an outlet for many people to share their stories so that we all have a better understanding of the effect these behaviors have on their employees.

If managers can learn to master the human dimension of leadership, they can almost guarantee their success.
Loof for my next post, or visit my website:
http://www.tonychatman.com/